ByDINA DROR
Israeli society is accustomed, unfortunately, to coping with bereavement and loss. And yet, countless myths, clichés and assumptions that are not necessarily true have become attached to this sensitive subject. We hear them at condolence visits, read them on social media and sometimes quote them ourselves. The problem is that these assumptions, even if said with good intentions, can often cause harm, create feelings of guilt and isolate the bereaved. In order to conduct ourselves sensitively toward someone whose world has been shattered, it is important to understand what lies behind these myths and whether there is a grain of truth in them.
1. “Time heals everything”
This is perhaps the most common cliché, yet it is far from accurate. Time is not a doctor, and grief is not a disease that needs to be cured or to disappear. Bereaved families testify that the pain does not disappear over the years, but rather changes its form. The real process is learning to live alongside the loss. The void remains, but life grows around it. The presence of the pain and its form change as we grow older and circumstances change, but the expectation that time will “heal” the wound completely is an illusion that may create frustration.
2. “You must go through the stages of grief in order”
The famous Kübler-Ross model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) presented the stages of grief as a linear ladder that must be climbed step by step. Today we understand that grief is dynamic and personal. There is no obligation to pass through all the stations, and certainly not in a fixed order: For example, a person may feel acceptance and only years later experience anger. The main characteristic of grief is movement between different emotions – longing, sorrow, growth and pain – and not progress in a straight line toward a defined “destination.”
3. “If you’re not crying, you’re not really in pain”
There is a tendency to judge grief by external expressions, but in reality, manifestations of grief are diverse: Some channel the pain into social action and commemoration, and others grieve within their own private space. The “dual-process” model explains that grief occurs on two planes: The external (functioning) and the internal (the psychological bond with the deceased). A person can function outwardly and appear to have “returned to themselves,” while inside a storm of longing and memories is raging. The absence of tears does not indicate the absence of love or pain.
4. “You have to be strong for the children and the family”
The words “Be strong” are often said to older siblings in a family in which a son has fallen, or to widows and widowers who have lost their spouses. Usually, this is said out of embarrassment and helplessness, out of difficulty in saying the “right thing.” The message to “be strong” is often interpreted as hiding emotions and suppressing pain for the sake of functioning, which blocks the natural processing of grief. In practice, everyone experiences grief in their own way and according to the time they need. It is important to give this legitimacy, because “erasing” the process is not healthy. Moreover, parents who allow themselves to cry and be sad in front of their children give them an important lesson. When a mother says, “I am sad and I miss him right now,” she teaches the child that it is permissible to hurt and that this is a natural part of life. True strength is the ability to feel, to fall apart, and then to rise again.
5. “You need to move on”
For many bereaved families, this statement is particularly jarring. It implies that one must return to who we once were, as if the loss is an obstacle to overcome on the way to a continuous life. But loss changes our identity, our roles in the family and our worldview. You cannot truly “move on” and leave the past behind. The more accurate phrasing is “to learn to live life מחדש” – to find the way to build a meaningful life within the new reality that has been forced upon us, while integrating the memory into everyday life.
6. “If you recovered quickly, you probably didn’t love him enough”
Social judgment toward widows and widowers is cruel. If they cry – they are “stuck,” and if they dress nicely and go out – they have “forgotten.” It is important to understand: Returning to life, a new relationship or going back to work do not contradict the pain. On the contrary, sometimes enormous emotional strength is required to manage to get up in the morning and participate in life alongside the hole that has opened in the heart. The ability to hold “both and” – both pain and hope, both longing and new love – is testimony to resilience, not to a lack of love for the deceased.
7. “Sudden loss is harder than expected loss”
Loss as a result of illness or old age allows for a process of parting, but that does not necessarily make the loss “easier.” We have a human tendency to try to rank pain, but when it comes to bereavement the hierarchy is not relevant. Sudden loss brings with it shock, trauma and an immediate rupture, while loss as a result of prolonged illness may bring with it exhaustion, difficult images and the ongoing suffering of caregiving. The fact that there was time to say goodbye does not make the loss “easier,” but simply different. Every loss is a whole world of sorrow, and the attempt to compare between them is not relevant for someone who has lost what was dearest to them.
8. “Psychological treatment after a loss is mandatory for everyone”
Grief is a natural and normal human response to a difficult event. Therefore, not every person who experiences a loss must run to therapy. Most people manage to mobilize strength with the help of family support, social support and time. Treatment becomes relevant when a person feels “stuck,” when the environment returns to routine and loneliness increases, or when there is an extreme behavioral change that continues over time. For some people, support groups (“a group of equals”) provide a precise response, in addition to individual therapy.
There is no “black and white” and there are no rules when it comes to grief. There is no single right way to grieve, and there is no binding timetable. Each person processes the loss in their own unique way, according to their personality and their strengths. The most important thing we as a society can offer is not advice or judgment, but sensitivity, listening and understanding that pain changes shape and sheds its form, and that is normal.
Dina Dror, Clinical Social Worker and Psychotherapist, Ela Center for Emotional Assistance in Cases of Loss, Crises and Trauma. For inquiries on WhatsApp 050-6644000 or on the association’s website
